i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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