i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
