Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
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Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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