Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize