OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
