I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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