Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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