Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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