I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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