You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
