the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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