So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
