a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
