i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
