Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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