While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
