we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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