Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
