There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
