..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
His hands were made for my vagina.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
