I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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