I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
