She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
