I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
