i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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