I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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