dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
