Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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