My liver just broke up with me...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Can you bring me the toilet please
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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