You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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