I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
