i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
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it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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