I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He? As in you personified your dick?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
