I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
