Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
A+ Viking dick
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