I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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