yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize