Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
