we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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