im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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