he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
