Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
