Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
