This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
