my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
