Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
