Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
