hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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