if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Randomize
