Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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