Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
