she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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