No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
