I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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