what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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