just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
