I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
