her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
