I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
