My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
