The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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