Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
