I feel like abortions should bother me more
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
