Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
