He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
